I've had a revelation since my last grief post. I was not and am not in the anger phase of my grief. I'm in the depression phase. Let me explain:
After posting that last post I started reflecting on my emotions and what I was feeling. I started analyzing what I was currently feeling and going through and what I had already felt and gone through since my mother's passing. This is when I had a moment of clarity. I have already been through most of the stages of grief already, well at least the first three.
I already explained how and when I went through denial and while I thought I was in the anger stage in my last post, I realized that I had already exhibited this stage several weeks ago. I remember feeling angry about a lot of stuff. I was mad that my dad had not called me or contacted me in any other way (well he did call my girlfriend and told her to tell me he was sorry to hear about my mom, but that just made me more angry). I was mad that I felt like I was not getting any emotional support from my girlfriend. In hindsight I don't think this was intentional, I think that I simply was not communicating my needs to her. I was mad that my sister was too busy being a basket case that she couldn't be there for me either. I was generally mad about a lot of stuff, but I held it all in. I held it in for days and then one night I lashed out at my girlfriend for no good reason, over something so unimportant that I can't even remember what it was. I had no right and she got mad at me. She told me she was leaving me and that quickly sent me into the next stage . . . bargaining.
The most obvious bargaining I was doing was with her, not to leave me. I'm sorry, please don't leave, etc, etc. She was mad and not even talking to me. I curled up on the floor in a fetal position crying for about an hour. the whole time I was thinking that I would do anything for things to be different, not just between my girlfriend and myself, but with my mom. I wished that I could change things, turn back the clock somehow. I even went as far as to beg god to let me have my mom back. "Please," I said through sobs. "I will do anything." Over and over I said this and I'm sure that my girlfriend thought the begging was directed at her, but it wasn't. I wanted my mom back at that moment more than I wanted anything in my entire life.
The bargaining phase was short-lived. It was over as soon as I got up off the floor. I knew there was nothing that would bring her back so I gave up begging. I knew there was no way that I could get my mom back, but I knew that there had to be a way to get my girlfriend back. I called a friend who is a grief counselor. Crying uncontrollably, I explained what was going on and he helped me to calm down and find the words to say to get back into my girlfriend's good graces. He also made me realize that I needed to tell her what I was feeling and what I needed from her. She was really my only support through this and I need her to be there for me because no one else would be.
We did make up after that, but I had already started the depression stage. Again I did what I do best . . . escape. I went back to the video games (and sometimes movies) to avoid dealing with my depression. Well not so much to avoid dealing with it as to just not feel it. I bottled it up. I still am bottling it up somewhat, but I'm getting better. I'm at least writing about it, but that led me to wonder what was that anger I was recently feeling? Why was I chastising myself (even if I did deserve it) if I had already gone through the anger stage.
What I have come to realize is that the anger I was feeling a few days ago was not stemming from being in the anger stage of my grief, it was stemming from the fact that I was simply mad at myself for not dealing with my grief. I was mad that I was putting off the healing process and putting off my friends just so that I didn't have to feel the depression. Obviously I'm over my anger about that, but I am not over my depression. I am still very sad that my mother is gone. In fact, I just had to take a little break right now while typing this because I was getting overwhelmed with emotion.
To me it seems like I should have moved into acceptance by now. After all, it has been weeks since her passing, but it doesn't hurt any less. Sure I can cope, but just like in that last paragraph, it hurts to think about her and I think about her everyday. I wonder, am I going to be like this forever? I know that I'm not, but I feel like I am. I will keep you posted, and don't worry, I have not forgotten about getting a tech post out by Tuesday.
Until then . . . peace.
Final Thoughts on Kübler-Ross: Anger, Bargaining, and Depression:
As I said, the anger phase of my grief struck me much longer ago that I had thought. My more recent anger was not so much a part of my grief as it was a part of not dealing with my grief. The way I dealt with the anger stage of my grief was not constructive, but I also don't think that it is uncommon. I bottled up my anger and just let it simmer. I think it likely that a lot of people do this especially when dealing with grief because we feel that expressing anger during these times is inappropriate. I think if I would have just accepted it as a part of the grieving process I would have moved through it quicker and perhaps may not have had that blow out with my girlfriend. Instead I chose to escape and hide from my anger, which led to the events that I described.
The bargaining was a weird thing. It seems almost silly looking back. I was actually bargaining for something that I knew was impossible to have. In On Death and Dying, Kübler-Ross was describing the stages of grief from mostly the point of view of a terminally ill patient rather than from someone dealing with the loss of a loved one and from that point of view I can see where bargaining could come into play in a sensible manner [1]. "Please God. Please let me have one more year. I will do anything." This is sensible because there is still a life to be bargained for, but bargaining for a life that is already lost is just insane. She is gone. There is nothing that can bring her back. Bargaining is a waste of time and makes no sense, yet despite this I bargained just the same. I, in my grief, irrationally thought that begging and promising whatever would somehow miraculously bring my mom back to life. I don't think that there was any better way to deal with this stage. It just is what it is and it was, at least in my experience, very short-lived. I imagine in other situations this stage could go on longer, but for what I was dealing with, this stage ended when the super heavy emotions subsided.
The depression has been going on for sometime now. As I have said, I have been avoiding it just like I did the anger. I've been bottling it up. It's starting to come out though. Fortunately in a more constructive way than the anger did. I don't think I've moved on to acceptance yet, Kübler-Ross says that acceptance is when the griever takes an attitude of "It's going to be okay" or "There is nothing I can do about it so I might as well prepare for it" [1]. I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think it's going to be okay. As I said, I feel like I'm going to feel this way forever. Somewhere in tha back of my mind I know that this isn't true, but I cannot come to grips with it. When I think of my mom it hurts. It hurts like hell and I don't see it ever not hurting. Until that sting goes away, I don't think I can move on to acceptance. I'll let you know when (if?) I do.
[1] Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families. Abingdon, Oxon, England: Routledge.
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